When twilight drops her curtain down and pins it with a star, remember that you have a friend though she may wander far.


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

keeping christmas

Christmas has come and gone.

A week's worth of family, friends, food, and rest has left, and now I'm sitting on the floor of a partially emptied apartment holding on to as much of it as I can.

On Sunday, my pastor shared with me the words of Henry Van Dyke about what it means to keep Christmas. For me, for the next two years, I hope to keep this Christmas as close to me as possible. His sermon is brief and powerful, and I suggest you read it, if only to understand the rest of what I'm going to write. You can read it here.

My mom always talks about the wonder and magic of Christmas. For my entire childhood, this is what I remember about Christmas. My mom and dad never failed to recreate a magical Christmas every year. Since my parents divorced, my mom has continued to try to recreate that magic, and my brother and I have spent every Christmas Eve with my father and Christmas Day with my mom--allowing the magic and wonder to envelop us every December 25.

Holidays have not been easy since my parents divorced--it's just the simple truth of a divided family, but they have remained magical.

I longed for this Christmas to be just as magical as the 22 Christmases before, but I feared that it wouldn't be. Financial struggles, death, broken relationships and more were threatening the magic of Christmas this year, and my move to North Carolina wasn't helping matters.

Conversations with my mom about what Christmas would look like made me wonder how we'd keep the wonder alive, but I had faith, not because I knew it was possible, but more because it had to be possible. I needed this Christmas more than anything.

Unlike years before, though, it wasn't the tree or lights or stockings or food that made this Christmas magical. It wasn't even the mystery of our Savior's birth. This part of Christmas remained simple, which allowed for the true meaning of Christmas to come alive for me: the meaning and significance of community.

I already wrote about the sacrificial love demonstrated by my friends this holiday season as I prepare to go. Today, I want to talk about my family.

My family may not appear perfect. My parents are divorced, and the four of us are scattered throughout Texas. "But what God has put together, let no man separate." Regardless of our past, present and future locations and happenings, my family is my life. Leaving Texas is even harder because I'm leaving them here.

My older brother is my rock. Growing up, we weren't that close. We are very different people, and I spent most of my childhood idolizing and scrutinizing my brother's life. I don't know how or why he didn't kill me, but in the midst of my nitpicking, I have always admired my brother. After our parents divorced, he was strong for me, and I learned to love him in a way that allowed us to be friends. Everytime my heart breaks, he's been there to help pick up the pieces, to guide me into safe territories when I don't know how to cope, and to make me laugh again. He gave up so much for me this past week--driving all over Texas to help me move and to spend time with me. And as I sobbed through goodbye, he just held me. I want to keep that moment with me forever.

My father is my champion. We have had a rocky go of it for the past 7 years, and when he's had plenty of outs to just cut me off and let me drift out of his life, he has fought hard to keep me in it. In these moments, blinded by anger and hurting, I haven't been as grateful as I should, but I know that 20 years down the line, when I have my own kids, I'll really know what it took for him to fight for me. We haven't had much one-on-one time since the divorce, but this past week, he devoted hours to me, helping me move, helping me find a new car, and just being my daddy. I couldn't have survived this move without him, and as we drove back to his house in my new car, I found myself enjoying the time with my father without a care in the world. I want to keep that moment with me forever.

My mother is my heart. My adventurous spirit and curiosity about the world and the people who live in it is from her. We order the same food at restaurants and decide to call each other within 5 minutes of the other thinking the same thing. She is my kindred spirit, and my adventure to North Carolina is the extension of her lifelong adventure. She holds the world on her shoulders, and I recognize the sacrifice she makes of herself to make sure her family is okay. She sacrificed the wonder of Christmas this year to make sure that I was with the rest of our family, but the wonder remained because she was present. I want to keep that moment with me forever.

My family demonstrated selflessness to me this Christmas--the greatest gift of all to this wandering spirit. My family is the reason I am able to make this move. Their hands are the hands that have molded me into the woman I am today--the woman who could imagine no other life than a life bigger than myself dedicated to making sure that others get the chance to be as blessed as I have been.

Are you willing to forget what you have done for other people, and to remember what other people have done for you; to ignore what the world owes you, and to think of what you owe the world...to own that probably the only good reason for your existence is not what you are going to get our of life, but what you are going to give to life...(to) look around you for a place where you can sow a few seeds of happiness?...Are you willing to stoop down and consider the needs and the desires of little children...to bear in mind the things that other people have to bear on their hearts...are you willing to do these things even for a day? Then you can keep Christmas.

Are you willing to believe that love is the strongest thing in the world--stronger than hate, stronger than evil, stronger than death--and that the blessed life which began in Bethlehem nineteen hundred years ago is the image and brightness of the Eternal Love? Then you can keep Christmas.

And if you can keep it for a day, why not always?

But you can never keep it alone.

My family is what allows me to keep Christmas.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

faithful friends who are dear to us...

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years,
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

I am abundantly blessed. About six months ago, my high school friend Morgan asked me about the status of my relationships in Dallas--whether or not I was happy with my friend situation.

When I look back on it, I answered her in an odd way. I told her that I didn't really know how to evaluate my happiness in relationship to my friends. Through the years, I've lived in a number of places and have had great friendships. It's odd, though, that as I live somewhere, my group of friends rotate every 4 months or so. I love all of those friends, and I know that in a moment's time, I could call them up, and it would be as if we never missed a beat. I'm not sure why that rotation happens--maybe it's normal? Sometimes it's natural--sometimes it comes with pain.

Regardless of where I am, though, there are always a few friends that defy that rotation, that stay with me for life. In regards to those friends, I could not be happier. Tonight, I sat down again with Morgan at a coffee shop near where we grew up, and I had the chance to answer her question again.

In the past 3 months, as I've prepared for this transition, my friends and family have embodied John 15: 13 that says, "There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends." I am more than positive that I am stripping this verse out of context and applying my own meaning and significance to this piece of scripture, but hear me out.

My friends and family have sacrificed their time, energy, and gifts for me, not just in the past few months, but for every second of my life. I think, though, that I am just now realizing its magnitude.

You have cried with me. You have contacted me to let me know that you'll miss me. You have given up your evenings to spend time with me. You have given up time with your family, significant others, and yourself to be with me. You have taken time off of work to move me. You have dedicated your time to helping me ready myself for a great adventure. You have traveled miles to see me. You have given up an easy Christmas, so that mine can be easy. You have made sacrifices that I still don't even realize. All of this...for me.

You have loved me. I have noticed, and I am so humbled by your love.

To those of you who I love more than life and who have loved me more than I deserve, thank you.

Friday, December 18, 2009

from the forest comes life.

The trees won't leave me alone.

As of late, trees surround me--maybe not literally, as I live in a concrete jungle, but figuratively. In metaphors, stories, conversations--they just keep coming up.

My mom has been working at a Christmas tree lot for the past few weeks. Last week she wrote about how people are searching for the perfect Christmas tree--the tree with the perfect shape and proportion that will fit nicely into the corner of their living room for the holidays. These trees, as my mom describes, are groomed for perfection--watched carefully from the time they are young, nipped, pruned, shaped, sawed, etc. so that one day, a family will choose it for their home. True trees don't grow like that. When she was on her 5-week road trip across the United States this past Fall, my mom describes her experience with trees:
"While driving through Oregon and Washington State this past October, the original home of these Noble, Douglas, Frazer and Grand Firs, I marveled at these trees in the wild. I wanted nothing more than to be embraced by the forest. I had visions of lying on my back in a bed of needles, breathing in the dark, deep green of the forest. It never occurred to me to judge the individual trees and their acceptability. They were all, each and every one, part of the forest."

I realized, after reading this, that a lot of why I'm moving to the woods of North Carolina, is to be a part of the forest. Trees represent strength and life and community. A tree that stands alone bears only fruit, but a tree among other trees is part of a forest--where life is created, rejuvenated, protected, and celebrated; where older trees tower above and grow more beautiful and strong with age and where younger trees are nurtured, providing life and shelter for other creatures as they grow. This is what this camp represents to me--a hope for a world that mimics the forest.

My friend, Katy, has recently gotten engaged. I've had the honor of watching her grow and heal over the past two years as God blessed me with her friendship within a week of my moving to Dallas. When searching for a Christmas present for her, I came across a necklace with a "Tree of Life" charm. Unable to put words to how much meaning this held for her and for me, I just handed her the necklace this week over lunch as we shopped for bridesmaid dresses. When she saw it, she understood immediately. She is beginning a new life that will bear much fruit with her husband-to-be. They are perfect for one another, and as I am in the woods, I want her to see the tree and know that I'm with her always as her life branches off into a beautiful new direction. Yesterday, Katy came over and gave me the same necklace.

Today, my aunt passed away. Linda has been fighting breast cancer for 9 years, and my Uncle Jay has been next to her the entire way, fighting just as hard. Today she left us after a courageous fight--a fight that millions of women have fought, in my opinion, not for themselves, but for those of us who love them so dearly. Linda fought this cancer for Jay, for her sisters, for those of us who believed she could, and she fought well. She's a champ and will always be one of the strongest women I ever knew.

I'm not someone who thinks she has all the answers. I don't really know about Heaven and what it's like, but I hope, for Linda's sake that it's a lot like what my mom described. I hope Linda is being embraced by the forest. That she is finally at rest, lying on her back in a bed of needles, breathing in the dark, deep green forest, breathing in peace. I hope she is now a part of the forest.

"She is a tree of life to those who embrace her; those who lay hold of her will be blessed." Proverbs 3:18

Thursday, December 17, 2009

got sleep?

Nights and mornings are the hardest right now, and I anticipate they will continue to be once I'm in the woods.

When I was seven, I had my first and last camp experience as a child. I got homesick every night. One night, my counselor found me crying and took me outside to the porch of our tee-pee. She read me scripture that soothed me, she prayed for me, then tucked me back in and sat there until I finally fell asleep.

Sixteen years later, I still get homesick--even when I'm home. For home to me is always somewhere else. When I'm in Dallas, home is where my mom is. When I'm with my mom, home is back in Dallas. Home will always be Magnolia, and very rarely am I there. When I'm with my dad, home is years earlier and years to come.

Alone time is not my favorite time of the day. I spend a good chunk of the daylight surrounding myself with people. At night, I'm all by myself. I lie in my bed, thinking. Thinking and thinking and thinking. Of what is to come, of what has been, of you and this and the future. The thinking leads to worrying. What if I'm not ready? What if I'm not prepared? What if it's not what I hope it will be? Will I be able to see them before I go? What if I don't? Will it ruin everything? What will happen once I'm gone? Is everything going to be ok?

Sleep only comes with breathing exercises and the scripture I continue to read to myself. I know, I'm too young for this mess.

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. " Lamentations 3: 21-23

I wake up the next morning with knots in my stomach and literally have to convince myself to wake up, get out of bed, and move. There are things to do, Lydia. It's time to get going. Once I'm up, it's easier. Life becomes more realistic; my thoughts become more rational. I'll survive the wilderness.

Moving away is the toughest thing I've ever had to do, but it's the right thing to do. I have been called to live a life bigger than myself, but man, I am going to miss you. I am going to miss my home.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

i'm moving to the woods!

Tonight, the UPS man came to visit.

Lydia: Hello!
UPS Man: Good evening! Are you Lydia?
Lydia: Yes! You brought my sleeping bag!
UPS Man: Are you going camping or something?
Lydia: Well, I'm actually moving to the woods.
UPS Man: Oh...huh. Well, maybe I'll see a movie about you someday.

3 weeks to go until I pack up everything I own into my car and drive to North Carolina. So far, I'm only lacking some sturdy hiking shoes, long unmentionables, and some good cargo pants. I'll be living in the woods of North Carolina working at an outdoor therapeutic program for at-risk youth.

For the past two years, I've been working at the North Texas Food Bank (the best food bank in the nation, I'd say) as their Volunteer Coordinator--managing, scheduling, and fielding the inquiries of over 17,000 volunteers. I've been called Mrs. Rudy, Rudy, Linda, Miss Lydia, and (the best) Ludia. For the next two years, I'll be called Chief Lydia. Maybe I can get the kids to call me Tex. We'll see about that one.

Lots of questions have surfaced, so for those of you who are curious:

What will you be doing?
I'll be facilitating the experience of 10-12 teenage boys as they take 7 months to 1 year to get their lives back on track. I'll be with them 5 days a week, 24 hours a day.

Where will you be living?
I've unsuccessfully described it as something between a tent and a cabin, so instead of describing it, I found a link to an example of it HERE. When I'm not working, I'll be living in an off-time house where all the Chiefs live on their off-time. I am 15 minutes from the nearest town, and an hour from the nearest city.

What kind of kids go there?
Teenage boys who have gotten into some sort of trouble with the law. They are sent there by the courts. During their time at the camp, they learn life skills, problem-solving skills, and basically are given the chance to get away from an unhealthy environment and make better decisions about who they want to be.

Isn't it cold in North Carolina? How will you survive?
I think on average it's about 10-15* cooler in NC than in TX. Right now, it's warmer in NC than it is tonight here in Dallas. I hope this trend continues. Otherwise, I have no idea. I am stocking up on winter clothes, and the UPS man just brought my newly purchased 0* sleeping bag.
(Thank you, http://www.steepandcheap.com/!)

What do you think will be the hardest part of the job?
I'm not too concerned about the kids. As long as I recognize that I could never relate to their situations and don't have the answers for them, I think we'll be okay. All I can do is love and respect them and not allow myself to build up walls between myself and them each time something gets tough.

I'm not too concerned about the staff. I get along with people pretty well, and my life here in Dallas is a testament to God's grace and provision in my life. In 2 years, he has provided me with a handful of friends that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Everywhere I go, he has given me people that love me and that I love. I know this is not the end of his grace.

It is a toss-up between the weather and being away from Texas that will be the hardest. I do not know how to dress for the weather and am most comfortable in shorts and tennis shoes. Layers? Parkas? Oh noes. I'm doomed, but I have a Canadian friend and some smart adventuring friends who are helping me prepare.

Texas. My home. My family, friends, life, and history are here. Everything I love is in Texas--even Tex-Mex. I will miss these things the most. Every 45 minutes or so, Texas punches me in the face, and says, "Don't leave me!" It comes in the form of quality time with my great friends, the knowledge that I am only a short 3-hour drive away from my family, or in a good margarita with some chips and queso. It hurts me deeply to leave my home, so I hope this blog is a way to keep you with me. I love you guys.

it's opener there in the wide open air.

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads and a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to rind, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't
Because, sometimes they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
through the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike,
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

"Oh, the Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss. Copyrighted in 1990.