surviving...or something like it.

28 weeks.

My six-month campiversary has come and gone, and so has the six-month wall to accompany it.

I can feel myself drifting from the excitement and commitment I had back in January, and as I reach out to those who know and love me, I'm feeling a surge of support that has never wavered but continues to surprise me. The support that comes from my loved ones is unconditional, but there has been and continues to be a hint of "get out of there now!" that comes alongside their steady hands of guidance and love.

I'm starting to feel that same need for escape. I can't decide what is actually fueling it. There are multiple reasons. One might be the weather. I'm constantly sweating and itching. I can't get away from the heat or the bugs. One might be the staff. The numbers of gainfully employed crazies at camp are dwindling, and it doesn't seem like anything is being done to rehabilitate the program. One might be the kids. I'm running out of interest in riding the roller coaster of emotion that comes with every success and failure of ten different kids. When one kid is doing well, there is surely another who can't get his act together. When one kid has a problem, they all seem to get jealous and throw their own problem. It's exhausting, and just at the moment when I feel like I can't take it anymore, one kid decides it's all my fault and throws a giant "f*** you!" in my face.

Another might be the call to something next to normal. I've found some peace and love in my time off lately, and it's something I've come to long for while I'm working. I've come to appreciate the value of an 8 to 5 job for what it offers you as an individual. Nights and weekends. Freedom to grocery shop, to cook, to clean, to write, to play, to love, to be. Things I miss and need in my life.

I read this quote the other day that hit home:

People should not worry as much about what they do but rather about what they are. If they and their ways are good, then their deeds are radiant. If you are righteous, then what you do will also be righteous. We should not think that holiness is based on what we do but rather on what we are, for it is not our works which sanctify us but we who sanctify our works. - The Eckhart Society

I have spent my whole life saying that I wanted to have the hardest work in the hardest places with the hardest people. I don't want to give up on that, but I also don't want it to come at the sacrifice of the beautiful parts of me.

I'm surviving...or something like it, but to be sure, I've got some thinking to do.

justice shmustice.

25 weeks.


*Lydia drags soapbox from backstage left to stage front. Lydia proceeds to stand on soapbox.*

I am a little disenchanted with the justice system these days. Justice is based on truth, reason, and fairness, but what I've experienced and what these kids experience is neither true, reasonable or fair.


Last week, I spent two and a half hours in a court room filled with people who are still receiving continuances for crimes committed in November 2009 -- selling/manufacturing/possessing drugs, driving without licenses, alcohol abuse, etc. I sat there with a teenage boy who assaulted me 2 months ago. Upon pressing the charge, I was given a subpoena to appear in court on June 28 at 9:30 am. I showed up. I brought him with me. Two and a half hours later, our case still hasn't been addressed. I walk up to the woman leading the session after the long line of perpetrators finish their hearings. Oh, I'm sorry. What is his name again? Yeah, I see now. He's not on my list. Let's look it up in the computer. Hm...it looks as if the warrant has not even been served yet. You'll need to go talk to the D.A. and figure this out.


I'm usually full of patience, but I nearly lost my cool as my mind flashed back to the same month that I pressed the charge on this kid. I received a parking ticket about 1 minute after driving up to the Wal-Mart door to pick up my co-worker. Apparently, I was in a fire lane, and fire lanes are a big deal around these parts. 30 minutes later (thank God there wasn't a fire!) I was on my way with a court date 3 DAYS LATER. Obviously, I couldn't make it since I work 5 days a week, 24 hours a day, so I spend the next three days diligently calling the court asking to take care of it another way. The ticket wasn't even processed until a week later, so once again, if I would have shown up on that court date--nothing would have happened.

This whole dramatic world I've created has made me a bit self-righteous. Allow me a few moments to spin my wheels, if you will. I promise not to go on for too long.

I spend a whole heck of of a lot of time teaching the kids of North Carolina (one of the forerunners in child abuse, neglect, and teenage pregnancies, mind you) how to behave responsibly. These kids are passed down from these same courts that treat their court rooms like a cattle call---line 'em up, brand 'em, and move 'em along, but save one or two for the finale.

My words of wisdom for Elizabethtown and its sister cities: Get it together, and get your priorities straight. The time you spend trying to get as much money as possible from your citizens is taking away from the time you should be spending teaching your children how to live decent lives. Instead of making traffic citations a big deal, how about you make violence a big deal? Instead of ticketing me for pausing momentarily to pick up a friend in a mostly empty parking lot, how about you head down to the local McDonalds and teach your children how to get a real job instead of selling drugs in the drive-thru? How about you teach your children what it's like to live in a world based on truth, reason, and fairness?

*Lydia steps down from soapbox, and drags it back off the stage.*